"I'm still in love with someone else"

(who doesn't love you back, and can't be your Father, despite what you want)

 

"I'm torn between marrying for love and marrying for money"

(so, either way, you are going to regret it, and either way I can't please you because I'm a failure)

 

"You are not my boyfriend"

"You are my best friend"

(so you need me and like me a whole lot-but don't want to pay for it)

 

(If this trip to Australia doesn't turn out, I'm done for good with humanity.  I've taken enough, I think)

I am a very happy monkey..for once;)

Hello
out there in blogville!  I hope you're all doing well, eating right and getting enough sleep...

I myself am doing better than I have in quite some time, especially as regards to my wacky little emotional problems.  Thanks to those of you who offered me support, I appreciate it..  My birthday (9/17), went fairly well, too..I had a nice dinner and didn't have to work.. Lots of emails wishing me "happy birthday" this year, too...there may just be something to this whole "non-hermit lifestyle"..

I'm STILL working on the "life story" thing..I'll post a link as soon as there's enough to read without feeling cheated for clicking on it..

Between work ((*&#^(*^!!! film festivals!) and school ((#*&$(^!)!! essays!), I'm pretty busy these days.  I found out today that I have some vacation to use before Nov. 10th, so I'm looking forward to a pretty spectacular Halloween this time..I even have a lead on my costume..and as soon as I get paid again, I'll order that bugger!  Now, if I could just find an event to wear it too....

I might be a while before the next update, but hopefully I'll have some life story goodness for you all by then..

Thanks, again....you know who you are.


-Busy Monkey

I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm fairly fucked up.  I mean, I knew that I was damaged alreadly, no big revelations there...I just don't think I understood the full scope of my defects until recently. 

Last night I was thinking of something witty to put up on this blog, and all I could come up with was:

"Bottle of sleeping pills-$8, Bottle of strong whiskey-$20...not having to open my eyes ever again-priceless."

Not exactly happyfuntimejubillie, even for me.

"Dear Life,

I hate you with all my blackened, shattered heart.  You are unfeeling-except for what I can only imagine is glee at the millstones you toss in my path every fucking day.  You dangle your lure of hope and temporary joy, concealing the rusty jagged hook of despair for me to swallow.  You lift me slightly above the sharp broken ground only to dash me against it. 

You are the only thing I hate more than myself. 

Your slave,

N"


-Monkey alone in the dark

There may be nothing in this world more annoying than happy people when you're not one of them.  I get to see lots of couples at my job, and since they're usually on dates, they seem fairly happy. 

I feel like a starving man who works in a bakery.

I recently had a date myself, although apparently I was the only one who thought of it as such.  After a week of preparation I was informed that it was, indeed not a date, and that not only was this not a date, the two of us would never date.  Seems she has a few issues (it would be unfair and dishonorable to say any more, I was taken into confidence...I think) that proclude any form of relationship beyond "that person I sometimes stand beside....maybe...if there's nowhere else to stand".

I thought surely I was going to be the person who had problems, who was going to be the bad risk that some caring person could save from damnation.  No such luck.  My problems are bad, I'll admit (you may have caught that earlier, say...every time I post something)-but there are plenty of other people out there who have it bad, too.  And apparently it is my fate to try to get to know them, only to find that I can't, or that I inadvertently hurt them, or that my type of crazy and their type of crazy are combustible, or any of a dozen other horrible things.

The thing is, I really want to help this woman.  I don't think I can call myself a friend to her if I don't try to help her overcome some of this.  Of course, I fully understand that if I somehow manage to help her, and she becomes capable of a relationship (not that it's highly likely-my conceit is that my help is any good)....I will not be the one she ends up with.  I don't know how I know that, most outsiders would see the makings of a great love story in all this, "shattered person helps even more shattered person learn to live again"-but I know that she would end up with someone else, and that he would most likely not even say "thanks".  This is a function of my life and my horrible horrible luck.  Sort of like Occam's Razor, except instead of the simplest explanation being the mostl likely, the worst outcome is. 

Honestly, I truly just want to go into the TV room, curl up on the floor, and close my eyes-and never open them again.  How much sewage can I be forced to swim through in my life?  How many times do I have to get crushed before I can't get back up?  I feel like my life is just dragging me along, and I'm just looking forward to the end of the ride.



-Bitter, Angry, Lonely, Dying Monkey

"Why doesn't he kill himself?"

"He doesn't want to hurt his ex-fiancee."

"The one that dumped him in the first place?"

"Yeah."


hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I am still awake.  Despite working from 3pm-1am, despite all the crap I should do on my "weekend" (I have Wed. and Thurs. instead of a normal weekend, like the human people), despite the fact that I desperately want to sleep.

It's really too bad I haven't attained the whole "mind over body" thing, else I could be running through grassy fields barefoot right now, under a beautiful blue sky.  Instead of staring blankly at a 17" window into the world and having a lot of trouble typing.

I think maybe I've figured something out...something fairly important.  Until just now, I had pretty much decided that "love" was a lie.  Just a scam, just some way of our bodies tricking us into reproducing (usually) and not killing ourselves and each other.  Surely the sorry track record of such a supposedly strong connection meant that it was a delusion, a phantasm.  (My roomate still believes this particular theory, btw.  He has also never, to my knowledge, been involved with someone-at all.  Not the guy to ask for advice about women)

However, I think I may have hit upon another view of it.  As most people can attest (myself included), love is as real as a fire, a tornado, cancer, or a bad car accident.  Here are my points:

-It always happens when you're not expecting it

-It changes everything

-It might even be exciting (at least, at first-or if you are not sane)

-It does a lot of damage

-We are powerless against it

-Somebody gets hurt, sometimes several people

So, love sucks.  It's real, sure.  It might even seem wonderful, but it still sucks.  It's a lot like hope, in that it's seemingly only good for lifting you up higher so that you can fall farther...

So....fuck love.  And fuck hope, while I'm at it.  I think I will take up drinking, maybe then at least I can get to sleep and keep my crazy to myself instead of spraying it on the web like this.

I honestly don't know if I'm still sane-funny how it can be hard to tell, when it's dawn, when it's a year later and I'm still crying myself to sleep, when I can't sleep at all because the dreams are too bad or because I'm trying to punish myself.

Well,
it seems it's another holiday today, and my roomate is off to be with his family.  I, of course, have to work.  This means even more time alone than usual.  I'm beginning to despise holidays...

I actually had to stop myself from buying some alcohol at the Grocery store last night (well, at 12:30 in the morning).  I am pretty afraid that if I get sufficiently torn up, I may not only miss work the next day, but I may get to find out what the barrel of a .9mm tastes like.

At least I have my new Xbox modchip and SCAD work to distract me.  Although, xbox games aren't as fun without human competition, at least now I can download music videos and browse the news and weather sites with my Xbox.  As for the homework...I didn't want to take this class at all, much less as my first online grad school experience.  It's "interface design", so I get to write a lot of website and "new media" reviews....I really just wanna make game art!

In other news, there's a new link to the right-just some things I've learned.

I suppose I'll just keep on, somehow, until something good happens.  I am officially tired of trying to make the good things happen, so now I'll just wait.  I'm too broken to keep trying like this, anyway.

-Lone Monkey

Well, things continue to slide downward, dragging me along, while I futilely try to snag onto something that Matters (or even just matters, for that matter-bad pun intended).

No particular event or cause, I just feel the walls closing in on me.  I found myself pondering the concept of suicide as a punishment for others rather than a release last night, as I drove home from work.  Unfortunately, I don't really want to hurt others.  It seems I'm just jerk enough to put people off, and reap the social stigma-but not jerk enough that the miracle of women being attracted to jerks can work it's magic.  Besides, I think even a quick appraisal of my luck would bear out the likelihood that death would not be a release for me.  Even if there was no Hell, I'm sure I could find some way to keep suffering.  Story of my life....

I have been accepted into Graduate School, the SCAD online program, but I'm having difficulty in setting up my account and registering for my first class.  Perhaps it's the fact that I have no damn idea what I'm supposed to do...yes, that's probably it.  Honestly, the shininess has worn off the entire concept for me.  I can't believe I thought  a graduate degree would make me happy.  Now it just feels like another burden, a responsibility with no power to justify it.  I hope I'm wrong, and the highest level of formal academic achievement in my chosen field will somehow translate into a decent job.  Even so, that's years away.  And I think the online learning aspect is going to cost me the schmoozing that I was counting on to further my career, too.  We'll just have to see on this one...

So, like Kim Jong Il in "Team America":  "...a riddle ronrey"

-Bilious Monkey